Thursday, June 28, 2012

It's heeeeere...

And no, I don't mean a poltergeist.

I mean that, at long last, I'm going to see my endocrinologist. And I'm fretting about it, big-time.

Not just the standard fretting, although that's there. As usual, I'm stressing over what my A1c's gonna be, or what she's going to say about my pump download data. I mean, I *know* where I'm at. I've seen my numbers, I've been quasi-logging. I eat like crap - both in a regular person crap way, and a disordered eating kind of crap way - and my numbers are proof of that. I feel sick about it, as I always do before an appointment. But there's more to it this time.

You see, it has been a year since I've seen anyone from my endo's office, and even longer since I saw the doctor herself. A year. Sure, I had a baby. And went down to a part-time schedule at work. (Ha. Part-time in salary and butt-at-desk hours only. I'm still doing the same job, performing the same functions.) And moved to a new neighborhood. I'm still freelancing too, of course. But still. Going so long without a visit really drives home how much attention and time I've been giving to my diabetes. Hint: not a hell of a lot.

At what point do we - as diabetics, as patients, as people - prioritize our disease? I know I don't. I'd rather spend time with B or L, read a book, watch a movie, take a nap...I don't know what in the world I wouldn't rather be doing than logging or weighing food. I mean, I test. I duly bolus. I wear my Dexcom 24/7. But I have NEVER done a basal test. I'm only 50 percent confident about my carb/insulin ratio, or my sensitivity factor. This is SWAGing to the nth degree, people. Everything's kind of a guess, and then I bat cleanup when  my squint-and-shrug methods put me in the 300s or the 40s. I'm a diabetic pinball, and I know it. Pretty soon, my endo is going to know it and give me the stink eye, as she rightly should.

This is no way to take care of myself. I know this, just like I know I feel better when I'm in range, just like I know that I NEED to take better care of myself for L's sake. But good fucking grief is it incredibly hard to put what I know into practice and muster the energy to do more.

1 comment:

  1. I know so how you feel; either I feel like I am an completely on top of things and completely exhausted trying to keep up, or failing miserably when I let things slide. Often, endo appts make me scared out of my wits, and then after talking/evaluating with them, realize that I am not doing so "bad." Diabetes is a never ending struggle and it is normal for it to become "unprioritized" since it is "on" all the time. Don't beat yourself up. You are thinking about things, and doing the best you can at this very moment. I know that doesn't "fix" things... Know there is a person out there who is almost exactly the same boat you are!