I mean that, at long last, I'm going to see my endocrinologist. And I'm fretting about it, big-time.
Not just the standard fretting, although that's there. As usual, I'm stressing over what my A1c's gonna be, or what she's going to say about my pump download data. I mean, I *know* where I'm at. I've seen my numbers, I've been quasi-logging. I eat like crap - both in a regular person crap way, and a disordered eating kind of crap way - and my numbers are proof of that. I feel sick about it, as I always do before an appointment. But there's more to it this time.
You see, it has been a year since I've seen anyone from my endo's office, and even longer since I saw the doctor herself. A year. Sure, I had a baby. And went down to a part-time schedule at work. (Ha. Part-time in salary and butt-at-desk hours only. I'm still doing the same job, performing the same functions.) And moved to a new neighborhood. I'm still freelancing too, of course. But still. Going so long without a visit really drives home how much attention and time I've been giving to my diabetes. Hint: not a hell of a lot.
At what point do we - as diabetics, as patients, as people - prioritize our disease? I know I don't. I'd rather spend time with B or L, read a book, watch a movie, take a nap...I don't know what in the world I wouldn't rather be doing than logging or weighing food. I mean, I test. I duly bolus. I wear my Dexcom 24/7. But I have NEVER done a basal test. I'm only 50 percent confident about my carb/insulin ratio, or my sensitivity factor. This is SWAGing to the nth degree, people. Everything's kind of a guess, and then I bat cleanup when my squint-and-shrug methods put me in the 300s or the 40s. I'm a diabetic pinball, and I know it. Pretty soon, my endo is going to know it and give me the stink eye, as she rightly should.
This is no way to take care of myself. I know this, just like I know I feel better when I'm in range, just like I know that I NEED to take better care of myself for L's sake. But good fucking grief is it incredibly hard to put what I know into practice and muster the energy to do more.