Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Has it really been five weeks?!

October started off with the intense awesomeness of Team Hoffmanderson's record-busting turn at the JDRF Walk...and then it took a deep nosedive into Month from Hell territory. 

A crapfest of late hours to meet deadlines at work, on top of the load of papers and presentations for my classes, meant the D got moved to the back burner. The waaaaaaay back burner. For the first time since April, I stopped logging. Dinners became popcorn or Luna bars or some leftover Halloween candy someone brought into the office - and those were the good, healthy meals. My meter averages and daily insulin totals skyrocketed, and I was running temp basals half the day to cover blood sugars that didn't want to stay under 140. I went back to full caffeine, worked 12-hour days, fell off the DOC wagon, slept 5 or 6 hours a night, and spontaneously burst into tears one evening while sitting at the computer working on a class project.

Clearly, I was stretched too thin, and taking care of myself dropped to the abysmal bottom of my lengthy to-do list. I know it happens to everyone - not just me, not just PWDs, but truly everyone. But what really pisses me off is just how bad it got. It is tantrum-inducingly unfair that there are repercussions to just living your life, that losing my laserlike focus on diabetes means stewing in my own toxic sludge blood until I get everything under control.

I spent the past five weeks knowing that I wasn't taking care of myself, self-lecturing about getting a grip, and completely dreading yesterday's endo and ophthalmology appointment. How could this be anything but a self-loathing shamefest about how far I'd fallen from my 6.2 in July?


Well, folks, somehow I managed to pull a 5.6 A1C out of the disastrous past 5 weeks. I cried when she told me. Not tears of joy, mind you - more like the kind of emotional freakout you have when you just barely avoid a car accident. Because I know she's all "yay! nice work!" and all I can think is that it can't be right. Or if it is right, it's dishonest. I know what kind of work I was doing, what my Dex graphs looked like, and how I was eating, and it all smacked terribly of pretty dark places I've been before: the aforementioned self-loathing shamefest. 

The SLSF - both past and present - is something for another post, though. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it, to figure out what it means and how I can possibly short-circuit it. In the meantime, though, the Month from Hell is over now. I'm dusting off @kahoffman and I'm actually posting to this ol' blog - if I've learned nothing else in my weeks away, it's that my connection to the DOC is incredibly important and dreadfully underestimated by yours truly. Knowing you're all out there - doing #bgwed, talking about gushers, trading tips, and wishing for cupcakes just like I am - does more for me than logging and endos and all the "being good" in the world.

4 comments:

  1. It’s such a comfort to know the DOC is only a few clicks away. We may take leave now and then for a spell - but we always know where to go where there are others ready to lend an ear and welcome us back.

    Welcome back. Sorry it’s been rough for you lately. Congrats on the 5.6 A1C!

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  2. You're actually a human being who had what I would call a normal meltdown. I think we've all done it.

    I hope you feel better soon and this will be just a break in your stride.

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  3. I am so sorry you have had such a crappy time of things. I can totally sympathise. It's good you are getting back into your schedule though. Did you discuss your confusion at the A1c results with your doctor? It baffles me how often the results don't match what we think are going to see. I have taken a very long hiatus from twitter myself, hoping to change it though.

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  4. Hooray! You're back! And you have an awesome A1C!

    We've missed you.

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