Today is the dreaded endo appointment. I tried to spend my weekend not thinking about it, but got a giant red F for my efforts:
I spent a large chunk of last night preparing for the big day (after two days just running over this crap in my head, hence the red F):
- Printing out logs and filing them in my lovely green binder from Target - check!
- Monkeying with Dexcom software so I'd have something to wave at the endo when my A1c doesn't match any of my data just like it did in June - check!
- Snapping at poor B because I find all of this overwhelming and horrible - check!
- Writing my list of prescriptions that need refills - check!
- Reviewing my questions about meter accuracy (screw you, OneTouch), number of finger sticks a day, and a million other things - check!
There's just one thing my gut doesn't feel like it's checked off my pre-endo appointment list, and that's getting up the gumption to put down my foot with my doctor. I've never been very good at confronting anyone, and certainly not authority figures. Still, someone needs to stand up for me and tell the doc what's what: What happens if I can't get below 6.0? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who's concerned that I'm not moving in a downward A1c direction? Why didn't you know I'd been submitting logs to my CDE daily? What's our plan of action moving forward? Where is the line between my self-care and what my CDE is supposed to be doing?
I think what's eating at me most is that I've gone on the pump and CGM, I'm wearing my cyborg gear 24/7, I'm logging everything I do, and yet I feel less in charge of everything than I did last summer when I was doing MDI - and my A1c reflects that. What does that mean for me? Is it a failure on my part to get back in the driver seat once I learned my new gadgetry? Is it a failure on the part of my health care team to help me "learn to fish"?
Let's remove the word "failure" altogether and focus on fixing things. What steps should I take so I can once more feel like I know what the hell I'm doing? Will my team support that effort, or does that verge into renegade territory? What's the point of logging and sending all that crap to my CDE if I don't 100% trust her decisions on where things should be moving and I want to be able to make those decisions myself?
I'm nervous about the appointment on a numbers level, of course - I always am. But having to stomp my feet and basically reset the agenda? This is not in my wheelhouse, and I'm not 100 percent convinced I'm going to get my point across and have the endo actually hear me. And if she doesn't, then what?